You know that feeling when you comment on something, and then the original post is then deleted? That feeling of “hey, I thought my comment was insightful, and now the whole discussion has just vanished”? Well, this weekend I had that feeling.
Without revealing too many details, I had reacted to a discussion about feeling helpless in the face of progressive degenerative chronic conditions. I think I may be in a good place right now – not fighting myself, still trying to find solutions and improve upon the solutions I have already found, giving myself a break when I don’t feel like training hard, but when I do train making it count. I am happy. Content. In a good place.
I really feel for those who are not where I am. It is incredibly hard to feel your ability slip away. And really really hard to go embark on the self reflection (and the self loathing) that comes with that loss. Am I still me? Am I a burden on others? Will I become a burden someday? Will I stop being me if I stop being able to do the things that I do? It is a process, one I go through regularly. It never feels great, it is basically grief for losing what you once had. But it is a process and a place that I feel comfortable with, finally… Today, anyway.
Here’s the thought I had which vanished when the thread was deleted:
“The only time I feel truly helpless is when I find myself unable to ask for help, or unable to accept the help of others.”
On a lighter note, if you have difficulty in accepting the outreach of others, having a dog helps. When a dog wants to reach out and help you feel better by giving you a lick, you can’t but help to accept it. And you know what? I always feel instantly better.
Dogs. They teach us so much.
Life lessons and a big kiss, from Felix the Dog, to me and you.