There are times that I feel low. It is rare but it happens. I laugh often and I love life. But sometimes…
Sometimes I feel alone.
Everyday when I wake up I think to myself “Life is brilliant.” I breathe deep and wonder how I can fit into the day all the things I want to do! But…
Sometimes… I wonder if it will it always be this way…
That is the problem when you have a progressive, degenerative condition. A condition with no known path, no known final prognosis.
You just don’t know what the future will hold. And staring at that unknown. Well…
For me, anyway, it can make me feel alone.
The intense feeling of being on a solo journey arises at the strangest times. Out of the clear blue, it will hit.
* When friends and colleagues have babies, it can hit. Do I want to have children, knowing that I can pass along a condition whose path is unknown?
* When you ask for time off of work to go to a doctor’s appointment and are told that you need to take it as paid annual leave, because you are in perfect health. Because they can’t see what you know is there. That alone feeling hits.
* A coach’s light-hearted poolside remark – “You guys are pretty slow” – triggers frustration. I seem “normal” but am battling demons that I can’t control and that no one else can see. My nerves don’t communicate well with my muscles. By definition I am slow. Such a small remark, triggering a big feeling of being alone.
Family and friends help. A good hug at a random moment can mean the world. But… Do they *get* my solo alone feeling?
The extraordinary thing about tweeting, blogging and opening up in public is that sometimes you get messages from strangers who let you know that you aren’t alone. From people who fight their battles, and who share their pain.
“We know the loneliness that is sometimes there when one does not quit.” ~ lak1
You find words that resonate. Words to pick you up, words that make you look inside of you. To search NOT for what you don’t know, but for what you DO know.
I KNOW that no matter what happens to my nerves, my spirit will remain. Who I am, who I truly am, SHOULDN’T be dependent on my unknown physical future. Who I am is about TODAY – how I approach living THIS VERY SECOND. The unknown SHOULDN’T be important, it shouldn’t dominate my thoughts. When it does… *That* is when I feel alone.
I need to focus on what I will achieve today, and tomorrow. I need to have goals. To keep me going, to keep my spirits high. To be true to myself…
Through blogging and twitter, much to my surprise, I have found words that make me stop and think. Words that make me feel less alone. Words that cause me to wake up and ask myself “what is my next goal, the thing that will keep me going”.
Resetting my goals is fast becoming priority number one for me. 2010 looks like it is going to turn into quite the year – from the huge physical challenge I have set for myself with triathlon, to the emotional journey I am about to embark on as I search for the next path I will take.
“Be brave and true to yourself and know what you want.” ~ lak1
“The race is never against other people. Never ever. It’s against yourself. When you set yourself a goal you challenge yourself and nobody else… …my race has always been with myself. I think of each box ticked as a lap on a never ending track of life. Stamina and pacing are essential in order to keep on running. And keep on running we must, because it is this that makes us truly alive.” ~ Jevon O’Neill
“I’m thinking about the good things. The happy things. The things that make life seem so good. So no matter what I get told today, whether it’s good, or bad, or ugly…I know I will be OK. I have so much to be OK about.” ~ This Little Lady Went to London
“The best thing that has happened to me is realizing that I can do more than I thought I could. I felt weak and I felt tired and I found out that I am able. I have things that I can’t do, but I can still try.” ~ Anissa Mayhew
“We are what we create. And we can create and re-create ourselves all the time if we choose to.” ~ Venus in Balance