Weighty Matters (A Four Part Series): Part 3

We all have our demons. It’s hard to share the things that scare us, that make us feel the most insecure – but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and do things that you find scary in order to grow. Just like swimming the Chesapeake Bay was a physically scary challenge for me, and one that completely transformed my sense of self, I am publishing this series to bare a personal demon, to face a fear, and hopefully become stronger and more “balanced” as a result.

Triathlon and control.  Control and weight.  In part two of this series I touched on how I decided to transform my seasonal interest in triathlon into a lifestyle choice.  And how the scales were the numerical evidence that validated my choice and my reality – that my health needed to be a priority and that the triathlon lifestyle would be a vehicle to take me there.

To help me to reverse the bad habits and stress that had led to my highest weight ever I turned to my nutritionist Vicki Edgson for help.  I also took my quest for information public – to Twitter.  My friend Ann pointed me to online food logging tools like FitDay.  I began to watch my portions, and to eat more sensibly paying attention to my hunger and satiation points.  I cut back on drinking wine, and I focused on getting back into the kitchen.

I discovered that a key topic of conversation amongst the Twitter triathlon community was weight, weight management, and weight CONTROL.  Maybe this was amplified because I was participating in the discussion via social media? I don’t know.  I had never had a “weight problem” AND I had never looked to the internet for online weight and diet information before.  But suddenly through talking about food, posting photos of meals, and reading about performance and weight, the aim of LOSING WEIGHT became a part of my thinking.  This part of the triathlete’s thinking somehow became a part of MY thinking – something I had never done before.

And I participated wholeheartedly.

Weight at The London Triathlon 2010: 58.5kg (128.7 pounds)

I read all about things like “race weight” and “optimal weight”…  I read all about how being lighter meant you could go faster. I read the Runner’s World article on Race Weight.  I bought the Matt Fitzgerald book on race weight. 

And I think this became a TRAP for me… 

Trap
Noun. An unpleasant situation from which it is hard to escape

Source: Oxford Dictionaries Online

Maybe it is a TRAP that only I have experienced.  But for some reason I doubt it.

THAT TRAP?  That weight – an absolute number – is an indicator of health. And that CONTROLLING WHAT I EAT would somehow lead me to an oasis of health and well being.

Weight began to dominate my thoughts. I found myself chatting about my weight online. Talking about it with friends and family. Discussing it with my coach. 

The first time I discussed weight with a coach was with Coach T trackside and as I prepared for The 2010 London Triathlon. 

I asked for his views as to whether or not I should focus on weight as a means of improving performance.  His response?  A focus on your weight will make you grumpy and hungry – do you want to live that way?

No. No I didn’t.

I didn’t want to be grumpy and hungry. I wanted to be HEALTHY and fit. 

By the end of 2010 I wrote a blog post on Fatness and Fitness. 

I was frustrated.  So much of my energy online was being poured into reading and discussing a superficial and wholly dissatisfying topic for me.  Since when was I a superficial person?  Sure, I like food and cooking – but weight and weight loss?  That had NEVER been a part of my life before…

And, more frighteningly for me, I started to question my own weight.  Even though I was a perfectly healthy normal body weight and active individual weighing in at 60kg (132 pounds), for the first time in my life I started to doubt my self image.  I asked myself: Am I Fat? 

Numbers had become a TRAP.  I felt LOST.  My thoughts had become… Unhealthy.  I didn’t feel like me anymore.

I had embraced the triathlon lifestyle as a means of putting MY HEALTH FIRST.  Triathlon was the vehicle I chose to help me to preserve my health and mobility in the face of a degenerative disease.  Yet the allure (seduction?) of control which triathlon offers led me to unconsciously change my focus away from health and onto weight.  The same sense of control which helped me in so many aspects of my life and which had helped me to achieve more than I had ever dreamed was driving me toward negative self image.

I had to reclaim myself.

I purged my Twitter account of people whose tweets condemned fat.  I decided I didn’t need to read things that made me feel as if I was being judged for what I chose to put in my mouth – even if the comments were not directed toward me.

I refocused. On the positive.  The supportive.  The proactive. 

(to be continued on 1 March 2013)
Part One of the Series: 26 February 2013
Part Two of the Series: 27 February 2013